Making Covenants

The temple is a place that is a bit baffling for someone not familiar with the LDS faith. It can be even more than a bit baffling for someone very familiar with the LDS faith.

I’ll warn that this post is geared more to those who are familiar with the LDS faith as I won’t be explaining more detail about things I discuss.

It’s been discouraged to talk outside of the temple about what goes on inside the temple, but I believe it’s something that should be discussed in the right setting. Perhaps a blog isn’t the right setting, but I feel my experience should be shared because I can’t be alone in my issues.

I put off getting my endowment (promises made to God) until I felt it was right and it didn’t feel right until I was 32. The experience was… bizarre. Everyone had told me that it wouldn’t be anything I didn’t already know – not true. There was a lot that felt right and familiar, but there were other things that felt strange and occult-ish and nothing like what I already knew. What made it all worse was being forced into the prayer circle, based simply on the fact that two people that were with me had also been forced into it. If they had to do it their first time, so should I. I was fine until that moment and it ruined my experience.

The rest of the session I fought with embarrassment and humiliation. Anytime I now attend, I struggle to not be the last one fighting with clothing (seriously, that part is ridiculous) and remembering what I’m supposed to say (give me a script and I’ll memorize it) and being upset when the attendants aren’t kind (not all of us live in the temple, you old bat). I have never felt anything special or noteworthy in the temple and I don’t know how to find what really works.

In fact, I avoid going to the temple just because I do not want to go through that embarrassment and humiliation again. That even makes me sad because I want to feel safe and at peace in the temple. I like doing things on my own and traveling to Kansas City to that beautiful place is not a hardship. Psyching myself up to attend a session isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.

As always,
Single Mormon Lady

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